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Jillian
28 January 2007 @ 06:09 pm
After he leaves
I feel his arms around me
I am warm
And safe
From things I cannot see

After he leaves
His embrace lingers on
It comforts
And protects me
I know nothing will go wrong

After he leaves
His presence is still known
And though I am all by myself
I know I'm not alone.
 
 
Jillian
12 June 2006 @ 07:54 pm
TONIGHT!!!!!!!! (And their stupid new singer isn't HA!)

Between 10pm and 12 am mountain time Trickshot will be on 99.5 the mountain!!! COMMERCIAL RADIO BABY!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! Not just the crappy underground internet stuff!!!!

They will be featuring the title track of our CD that comes out on Saturday called The Other Side!!!

If you are up you can listen at www.995themountain.com

Listen listen listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big time baby!!!!!!


WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Jillian
03 May 2006 @ 11:33 pm
What is this mystical hold you have
Over those whose lives you touch?
What fills your poisoness kiss
To make those who have tasted it
Paralyzed,
Begging for more?
What is this strange addiction
That leaves us unable to imagine
A life
Without your presence?
What is it about you
That entrances us?
You make us laugh,
With a simple melody.
Your words hit us hard,
Making us cry.
And still,
We come crawling back for more.
Somehow you complete us,
Filling our souls,
As we pour out our hearts
In your sweet rhapsody.
What is it
That gives no one immunity,
And draws us
To your flame?
 
 
Jillian
01 May 2006 @ 03:29 pm
I am nothing more
Than your repulsive goddess
So easily desired
Craved
Touched
Penetrated

Yet
Too difficult
To love
Tags:
 
 
Jillian
01 May 2006 @ 03:13 pm
With no where else to go
Crying tears of pain
The pills slip slowly down my throat

With no one left to turn to
Crying tears of loneliness
The noose dangles snugly from my neck

With no way out to help me
Crying tears of blood
The blood-stained knife falls heavily to the ground

With no one near to stop me
Crying their tears of pity
I silently lay waste to this wretched life

With nothing more to say
Crying tears of tales
I whisper my final goodbye

And I leave you here
With nothing
But my fading memory

11.96
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Jillian
30 April 2006 @ 08:33 am
The seconds seem like years
As I watch them tick by slowly
On a clock without mercy
Awaiting the sound of your voice
That is now an eternity away

This longing in my heart
Grows deeper with each passing moment
Feeling like forever
Wishing you were here beside me
Not only in my memory

Finally, I close my eyes
As your memory consumes me
Your words echo through my mind
And I wonder how I'll ever live
My life without your smile


4.98
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 11:34 pm
There's a fog decending on the city tonight
Making it impossible to see

The stars that once shone so brightly
Have slowly faded into memory

And as I sit here thinking
How you threw me away so easily

I wonder if you think of me
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you miss me

And do you ever let it show?


1.18.04
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 11:31 pm
Cry for no reason
Scream in terror of nothing
Dream and fear waking
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 10:33 pm
Won't you be the star
Illuminating my darkest night
Sheilding me from the fear
That lurks behind the absent light

Would you be my blanket
On the coldest winter day
Wrapping me in the warmth of your love
No matter what should come our way

Could you be my guide
As I try and find my place
Holding tightly to my hand
When life seems like a waste

Won't you be a friend
Making my life whole
Say you'll stay beside me always
Cradled inside my soul

For you, my friend, are everything
I could never be
A smile that shines as someone
Everyone can see

And I am just invisible
Non-existant in this world
And though I blend into the scenery
You see, I'm still a girl

So, won't you fill this emptiness
That leaves me reaching out for something
And won't you please be anything
To my awful nothing

7.12.01
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 09:28 pm
Your words are full of music

Sunshine is sprinkled in your laugh

You fill my heart with rainbows

Hold me safe in your embrace

You help me reach the stars

While gently you remind me

I belong, still, on the ground
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:55 pm
It eats me alive
Slowly
From the inside

Til there's nothing left

So youthful, though you cannot see
My rapid aging
From this invisible disease

Which I've done nothing to get

Inside of me, I am still young
My poem unwritten
My song unsung

My heart still full of rhyme

And while it still appears to be
My whole life
Still in front of me

I might be running out of time

I do not look to be this ill
You'd never think
A million pills

Keep at bay, my malady

At 25, I should not consider
That in ten years
I may not be here

Though, this is my reality
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:42 pm
Hey big man, won't you take my hand?
Come on, take me for a ride!
You know I've been real good, like a good girl should,
Won't you show me the other side?

Let's move, let's play, let's run away!
Won't you take me out tonight?
Hey baby, let's go! Don't take it slow!
I know you can do it right.

Take it on the inside
Make me hold on tight
Let 'er rip, I've got nothin' to hide
Oh baby, come on and drive!

Hey big man, won't you take my hand?
Come on, take me for a ride!
You know I've been real good, like a bad girl should,
We're going to the other side!

It seems so wrong, 'cause it's been so long.
Can you show me what you can do?
When you hear me growl, I'm on the prowl,
And my sights are set on you.

Take it on the inside
Make me hold on tight
Let 'er rip, I've got nothin' to hide
Oh baby, come on and drive!

Bridge:
Don't you be so shy! Baby, we can fly!
Boy, I'm not a child!
If you win the race, and take me to that place,
You know, I'm gonna drive you wild!

Hey big man, won't you take my hand?
Come on, take me for a ride!
If you're real real nice, you'll get a big surprise!
I'll take you to the other side!

Take it on the inside
Make me hold on tight
Let 'er rip, I've got nothin' to hide
Oh baby, come on and drive!

Take it on the inside
Make me hold on tight
Let 'er rip, I've got nothin' to hide
Oh baby, come on and drive!
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:41 pm
You can count on me
I don't need your help
I can do it myself

No problem

Don't try to stop me
I'm doing just fine
I'll go for miles

No problem

Don't try to keep me
Let me run until I'm out of breath
Even if that means there's nothing left

No problem
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:40 pm
Hero  
Save me
From this cage
This prison
I will never escape

Fight for me
To keep me
Slay the dragon
So I can still be

Protect me
Lock me in the tower
Away from harm
From all that is out to destroy me

I'll play the damsel
'Cause I can't do it myself
I don't have the strength
Be my hero
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:39 pm
Ache  
It consumes me.

In my head.
In my body.
In my soul.

I want to feel normal.
I want to feel sane.
I want to feel good.

I want to be independent.
I want to be who I was.
I want to be healthy.

I want to be cradled.
I want to be sheltered.
I want to be rescued.

I want to pretend.
I want to hide.
I want to run.

I want someone to love me.
I want someone to need me.
I want someone to want me.

I yearn.
I bleed.
I ache.
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:38 pm
Words I long for so desperately
I know I'll never hear

All the things I want to say
Can never pass through my lips

And every dream and wish in the world
Will never change the way things are
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:35 pm
i wish that you would hold me
like you'll never let me go
as if your holding me
could keep me here

i wish that i could tell you
all the things i'm wanting to
but i just can't seem to find
all the right words

i wish the pain would go away
that everything would be all right
that the tears would stop falling
that i could smile again, and mean it
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:34 pm
Sometimes, I can feel it consuming me
Eating away at me
Tearing me apart
Leaving me to rot

Sometimes, I can feel it contaminating me
Pulling me limb from limb
Draining my essence
Surrendering me to decomposition

Sometimes, I can feel it infecting me
Stealing the light from me
Distorting my entire being
Disintegrating me in my solitude
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:32 pm
Pluck me from this dreadful place
Where I solemnly reside
Inside these walls and barbed wire fences
Take me where I long to hide






To a technicolor valley
Found only in my sleep
Away from hurt, and fear, and saddness
And the secrets that I keep






Where the cool, crisp, breeze caresses me
And carries me away
Where the clear rain washes over me
Falling gently where I lay






Let me live within your music
Forever, in this silent song
Let this voice ring out eternal
With love, after I've gone
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 07:25 pm
On the borderline

Between fantasy and reality

In the purple mystic place

Where you still remember dreaming





That is where I long to be





Where the warm rain envelops you

Cradling you in its arms

Covering your entire being

Yet, your skin never is damp





That is where I long to be





The sun is always shining

Rainbow-coloring the sky

Never a single tear is shed

And pain is nonexistent





That is where I long to be





Yet, Alarm clocks break the silence

Screaming out your name

The icy wind blows through you

Lurching you back into reality





But, oh, to live in that crystalline dream

Where dew drops dance upon your eyelids

Butterflies kiss you on the nose

And nothing ever hurts again





That is where I long to be
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 03:31 am
Words
Wasted
Unspoken
Unwritten
Conversational additions
Heard only in my head
Scenes
Played out
Solely in my imagination
With all you know of me
Everything I say to you
It seems so much
Is still
Untold
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 03:29 am
Love  
Love can be
A beautiful mountain stream,
Filling the air
With the sweet freshness of a summer's day,
Or the crispness of a fall morning,
Walking hand in hand
Among the fallen leaves.

Love can be
A piece of chocolate,
Sweet, and soft,
As you bite into it,
Savoring every part of it.
Slowly melting in your mouth
Leaving you craving more.

Love can make life worth living,
Filling every moment
With excitement, and intrigue,
Looking forward to every second
You are with the one you love.

Love can be
A blanket of reassurance,
Reminding you
That everything will be all right,
That you are good enough,
That you are wanted,
That you are needed,
To be someone's guide...
To wrap them in your blanket,
To let them know
Everything will be okay.

Love can be
A cold, dark, winter's day,
Filled with emptiness,
Loneliness,
Longing.
Making you feel
As dull,
And lifeless,
As the clouds
That consume the bright blue sky.

Love can be
An unripened peach,
Bitter,
Sour,
And difficult to break through.

Love can take the excitement from your life,
So that you simply exist,
Wandering through life
Like a zombie in a daze.

Love can give you hope
That the clouds will part,
The fog will lift,
And you will walk past the haze
With a brightness
That only you posses
That makes you stand out
From the rest.
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 03:24 am
I LOVE the spring!

It's like a rebirth! I love the sun shining on my face, driving with the window down, the wind in my hair, and belting out a song on the radio... (And sometimes, when I am parked at a stop light, and belting out a song, I get complimented on my voice... Once, I was next to a minivan full of people, stuck in traffic for like a half an hour, belting my guts out and paying NO attention to anything... When I finally looked over, they had the sliding door open and all had their heads out listening to me... When I looked over they all started clapping! LOL!)

I love the fragrance of spring! The flowers, the grass, the way the warm pavement smells after a rainstorm... And this may sound weird, but, I love the way WARM smells... I love a cool crisp winter day, too... But, there is no match for the way a truly warm spring day smells...

It energizes me! Makes me feel like ditching school, (That doesn't exist) like going on a road trip, like driving until I get lost and then driving some more to find my way back...

While I was driving today, I found myself alone, and smiling for absolutely no reason what-so-ever... That hasn't happened for a while... In fact, I am not exactly sure when it was last... Possibly last spring... Possibly before I got sick... Possibly even before that...

It's a great feeling...
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 03:20 am
Time  
Time slips away
'Til there's nothing left
Time just won't pay
For all of your regrets
So, hold on to what you've got
'Cause you'll find it's not a lot
And time slips away
In the end.
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 03:15 am
Sitting in the passenger's seat of my life
Watching the scenery pass by the window
The forgotten beauty of
The naked trees of winter
The sparkling city lights
Taken for granted
On the inside of a locked door
As it all flys by too fast
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 02:57 am
I am too young for this
Too young to accept that tomorrow may not come
That a man may never fall in love with me
That all of my hopes and dreams may disappear
As I vanish
Withering into the cold night air

Too young to be decaying
Though now I feel fragile
Weak
As if I'd shatter into a million tiny pieces
Should I hit the ground

Yet, tomorrow comes and goes
Every moment
Fleeting
Taken for granted
Forgotten

And I
I am alone
And frightened
Thrown into a battle
I don't know how to fight
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 02:48 am
I can't climb anymore
The mountain has crashed down on top of me
Burying me
And I can't dig myself out of the rubble
I'm not this strong
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 02:38 am
Pain  
It rips through me
As if I were aluminum foil
The constant stabbing
Over and over
Digging
Deeper and deeper
Never without turning the knife

It laughs at me
Like a playground bully
Knocking me to my knees
Crippling me
Stopping my breath
Making me crawl
Reducing me to tears
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 02:36 am
Sometimes I feel like falling to the ground,
collapsing at your feet in a mass of tears,
begging you to help me.
Pleading with you to make it all go away.
Imploring you to fix it.
As if you could pull some magical band aid out of your pocket,
pasting it on the problem to make it disappear.
Or kiss it and make it better,
like you would a small child with a skinned knee.

But, I know that you can't.
It would be unfair of me
to even make such a request.
Because I know
you don't have that power.
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Jillian
29 April 2006 @ 02:36 am
I feel like becoming a recluse
Crawling inside myself
Curling up into a ball
Shutting everyone out
Reveling in my solitude
Letting the world forget I even exsist

I feel like being clingy
I want someone to hold on to me
Like they'll never let me go
Squeezing me tightly
Even if it hurts to be touched
Encasing me in their arms
Like a force field
That will never let anything harm me again

I want to kick
I want to scream
I want to fight
I want to kill
This thing that's eating me from within

But, I'm tired
And I don't have the strength
And sometimes not even the will

So, then...

I want to succumb
I want to give in
I want to sleep
I want to drown in it
Let it take me, I don't care anymore
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 11:29 pm
I didn't want you to see me shaking
So, I covered it by dancing

I didn't want you to see me fading
So, instead I started jumping

I didn't want you to see me weak
So, I masked it with my strength

I didn't want you to see my tears
So, I hid behind my laughter
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 11:25 pm
The cool summer breeze
Carrying the fragrance of fresh rain
Blows gently across my face
Lightly kissing the back of my neck

And for a moment
I can stop
Breathe it in
And delight in it
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 11:19 pm
I wish that you were here with me
You'd know just what to do
You'd know just what to say
You'd know how long to envelope me in your arms
Until all my fear would go away
I wish that you could hold me
And dry all of my tears
But, my loving friend, above all else
I wish that you were here
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 11:15 pm
It was very strange for me
To pull away from you
I knew that if I didn't
I'd want to live in your embrace
Your very presence
Consuming every part of me
Your touch
Your smell
Your warmth
Pushing away all my fears
Making me happy and sad
All at once
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 11:12 pm
I look in the mirror

And I don't recognize my own face

Something is different

Maybe the shape of my eyes

Or the curve of my cheek

Maybe it's deeper than that



I look in the mirror

And I am not there

Replaced

By a stranger with my smile
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:39 pm
I'm killing myself
Not by choice, this time
A forced suicide

A life sentence
Inflicted on me
By something inside of me

I feel out of control
And, in a room full of people
Again, I am alone
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:38 pm
In a weak moment,
Delicate whispers of love
Fall from petal lips.

But,
Behind the soft, pink, diamond words,
There is no meaning.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:35 pm
She smiles
Only to see
If there is any beauty
In her.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:34 pm
Maybe if my dreams weren't shattered,
And my heart wasn't blue,
Maybe I could see myself loving you...

Maybe if he hadn't been there,
Or if you had been there too,
Maybe I could see myself loving you...

But, in my dreams you're there,
And he's nowhere.
In my soul, I'm crying out for you...

Maybe if my heart wasn't breaking,
Or if I knew what to do,
Maybe I could see myself loving you...

But, in my dreams you're there,
And he's nowhere.
In my soul, I'm crying out for you...

Maybe if my heart wasn't hollow,
And my tears weren't true,
Maybe I could see myself loving you...

Maybe I could see myself loving you.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:33 pm
Now I'm trapped
Between the shadows,
And fading in the dark.

He crushes me
From where he falls,
But, never leaves a mark.

And now, I find, I cannot breathe
In this empty space.
If I could live outside myself,
It'd be a better place.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:32 pm
Although I cannot see you,
You haunt all of my dreams.
Although I cannot hear you,
Your voice, inside me, screams.

Although I cannot feel your warmth,
Or smell your sweet cologne,
I know that you are somehow near,
And I am not alone.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:24 pm
I'm sorry you got stuck with me

And never really wanted me

I never asked for you to have me

I only wanted you to love me



I'm sorry I could never be

Everything you want
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 10:18 pm
You don't know that I write to you

Every single day

You don't know that I dream of you

Since you've gone away

You don't know that I miss you

You don't know that I care

You don't know that without you

My life's completely bare.
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 09:57 pm
I know that I should let you go

And not beg you to stay

But, can I really bring myself

To turn and walk away?
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 09:44 pm
You  
Standing beside me,
You're a million miles away.
Your iciness penetrates me,
Freezing me to my core.

Yet,
Still I long for you to let me in.
I hate how you have shut me out.

I don't know what went wrong.
I don't know where to go.
I only wish that you'd come back,
And love me once again.
Tags:
 
 
 
Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 09:37 pm
Her  
In her,

He sees

The beauty

She never dreamed

She could posess
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 09:36 pm
If I could remember

If I could see your face

I would hold you close to me

And vanish from this place
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Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 01:02 am
She lives in a shadow

Dreaming of a love she will never know

A beauty she will never hold

And a kiss she will never taste
Tags:
 
 
Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 01:00 am
I feel like I'm defective...

Broken

And you want to take me back,

But the box is already open.
Tags:
 
 
Jillian
28 April 2006 @ 12:59 am
She is drowning in a sea of despair...

She is gasping for breath...

She is screaming for help..



And I am on the shore...

Not knowing how to swim...

And I am powerless to help her...



She needs me to save her, but I don't know how...
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